Tuesday, April 29, 2014

it has been way too long.

Before I returned to Boston in January I received a Father's Blessing from my Dad. To those of you who may be unfamiliar, this is an opportunity for my Dad to lay his hands upon my head and offer a blessing of comfort, guidance or direction for the coming time. He exercises the Priesthood authority that he strives to maintain worthy to hold. Anyway, in the blessing it said this semester would be the hardest I had ever faced.

Oh joy.

But I expected it. Finishing my Masters Project is a huge deal! An internship, writing papers for another class, mentoring, health coaching, working, church callings, preparing for a mission, and striving to maintain sobriety, which is a daily battle.

As an addict with 17 months in early recovery from pornography addiction I would like to think that I have a good handle on what addiction looks like in my life. What the signs are and so on. I'm a health coach, I should know the signs of destructive eating, not only from the aspect of now knowing a healthy eating lifestyle but from living a not so great one a short time ago.

Not two or three days after my last post in February I got really sick. I had severe dehydration, a cold/laryngitis/fluish thing that happened to me, and mental health relapses. While I was sick with the cold/laryngitis/fluish thing I ate off my plan I have had for the past 14 months. At first it was because my throat was so swollen I couldn't swallow anything other that pastas, soups and soggy breads. But I liked it. Something in my brain flipped again and it was like feeding this monster that had been shut out for over a year! I was sick for about three weeks with the gunk and fevers. For the other two weeks I was really struggling with anxieties about food, choices, dealing with self-destructive thinking, and berating myself for a relapse so huge.

I did gain some of the weight back that I have fought so hard to lose. One night I found myself with thoughts to start purging whatever was in my body to get the 'bad' out. I didn't. But I found myself quite close. I found myself on the ground in tears, pleading with whatever strength was in me to just get up and leave my current place. And God helped me. I know without a doubt He did. I walked out of that situation and found my scriptures.

I ended up at a meeting the next night. Overeaters Anonymous and the LDS church's Addiction Recovery Program really have helped me deeply. I now have a sponsor who has helped me tremendously. She helped me get out of those final two weeks of sickness and back into school and work. I attend at least two recovery meetings a week and they are a huge part of the grounding in my week. When I don't have a meeting in my week I still have my scriptures and church. So the gospel is truly an integral part of all of my efforts here.

I have learned to be resourceful and to turn evermore to the Lord. I have talked to few about anything that has happened over the past few months. But I would like to say that right now, today on April 28, 2014 I am having a really good day. And that April has been filled with far more good days than bad. I know that I have the Lord to thank for that. I have had Him to rely on and to be my strength as I just keep moving and work to serve others.

Struggle is so real. The battle physically, emotionally and mentally in all illness and in addiction is so real. And I have learned on my own, and been reassured through a friend's words, that the relapse I had doesn't make me a failure. It doesn't mean its all over. It means choices were made that didn't support my internal truth. But now choices are being made that support and speak to that truth and I feel a much greater sense of joy. I know the Lord has blessed that and is in every moment. I know He is in the good and the bad. I know He is helping me today. I know He will help me tomorrow.

So my semester that I thought would be so hard because of school work was terrible because of personal things. Who knew? But now I can come out on the other side having learned a greater deal about myself and grown my trust in the Lord. Grown in faith in His timing and faith in His plan.