Tuesday, July 29, 2014


It can happen to just about anyone because it really starts with not coping with what is happening in our lives. And then we choose to cope negatively. Did I ever think I would end up with the negative coping mechanisms I did? No. Did I say that it would never happen to me? All the time.

This came from a friend who runs the blog at www.bythelightofgrace.com

Thursday, July 24, 2014

the hardest thing i've ever loved to do

Trade some words like 25 years instead of 19. And the proper pronouns for female ones. And skirts for suits. But these are definitely some feelings of my soul - that I imagine will happen and truly look forward to the growth experience coming in the next 1.5 years.

Monday, July 21, 2014

a little self-doubt

Any degree of doubt about whether we are right shows at least the beginnings of an earnest desire to reconsider our ways. Such honest concern lets a little light enter our minds, and in that light we can begin to see differently what we have been doing. (Bonds That Make Us Free, p.207)

Sunday, July 20, 2014

some self-doubt

I was talking with a friend tonight about the inadequacies I feel leading up to my mission. The same I shared in a post from earlier. I asked him if he felt similar feelings prior to serving and through the developing conversation he reminded me that some self-doubt can be healthy.

It can help keep my spirit humble.

He suggested keeping some of that with me once I get in to the field.

The reminder helped bring a piece to that bit of turmoil that I have been feeling for weeks. Now that this is recalled, I pray it will stay active in my mind and that I will be able to sit with the discomforts and growth to come-keeping peace in my spirit.

Prayers of the Heart

As I mentioned in my previous post, there are deep struggles in my heart trying to feed the small anxieties of serving a mission. My heart has been praying for weeks to come out of this place, to somehow learn what I need to to be closer to the Lord.

Last night one of those prayers was answered in the simplest way. I asked my Dad for a blessing and in it I was told that I am worthy of the joys and happiness I have felt and will experience.

Among the other things that were said, this was something that spoke comfort right to my Spirit.

Sometimes, when I am on the edge of thinking that maybe the Lord doesn't know me something like this happens and He comes to my aid once again.

mission struggles

originally written 7/17

I report for my mission in about 17 days. I leave in 16. My luggage came this week and we are starting to finalize packing lists and all the things that will either go with me, be in one place in case it needs to be shipped, and that need to be done.

I’ve been more excited in this process. I think right now I am trying to see the miracles in every day. There have been some great ones. God truly is here and in this process of preparing for a mission. I am trying to reinforce my faith in His plan for me. I have faith that this is the direction that the Lord has called my life in. This is my current path because I have felt it in my soul.

I am positively anxious to share the message of the restored gospel, to invite others to know about the message of redeeming salvation in Christ’s Atonement. I am grateful that the Lord trusts me to this call and am deeply humbled by it.

I have to admit; I have never been filled with more doubt either. Yes I had doubts moving to Rexburg for my undergrad degree. Yes I had doubts about my ability when I moved to Boston and went to grad school. However, I can feel something pulling at my mind telling me that I may just be the worst missionary ever. (anxiety much?)

All life is about mixed emotions and change though. This is another change that I do embrace with open arms.   

the journey to knowing

originally written 7/9

I’ve said this before on this blog and many, many times writing in my journal: Satan is real. I’ve never known the reality of Satan more than now in my life. I’ve also wondered why I don’t hear people talk about the realities of Satan more. Maybe they do, but I’m not listening?

I do hear General Authorities and the First Presidency counsel us to beware of the temptations of the adversary. They speak in Conference about more real things of the adversary. Bishops, Stake Presidents, some Young Women and Relief Society leaders I have had also to. One institute teacher this past spring in Boston was very candid about the darkness of Satan.

Do we do ourselves a disservice by not speaking more truth? More of our own truth from our journey?

I know at times, in my own life, I have sat in testimony meeting wondering how these men, women and children know what they know. I do believe that we all know some things more readily in our soul than others. But those that we don’t come by that easily, where is the part behind that tell how truth was found?

These are probably more just things that I struggle with alone.

I’ll leave with this. I know that God is in everything in life. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and another testament of Jesus Christ. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ provides the saving grace that we need in this life. I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God who through the direction of God and Jesus Christ restored the true church to the Earth today. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the church that holds the complete truth as far as God has revealed it to His prophets today. I know that the temple is the House of the Lord where I can go to learn and grow spiritually, to be buoyed by the Spirit. I know there is truth in prayer, which is how we can communicate with a loving Heavenly Father.

I know these things because I have asked. I have read. I have searched. I have doubted and I have struggled for years to know the truth. I have struggled with the burdens of darkness on my soul that come either from my choices or because bearing them is a gift that God gave me. I know because I have struggled with the questions like “Why me?” and “Why do bad things happen to good people?” and though the answers are sometimes less than satisfactory, I have faith in God’s will. I have faith in God’s will because of the struggles I have come through and still sludge through.

My personal knowing and testimony of the gospel, Christianity and love are a daily, uphill battle that gets harder every day to add fuel too. But I am learning. I hope that the truths that we all hold may be shared more readily to help others realize they aren’t alone in how their journey is being experienced.

Maybe the real focus of this post is that I hope we can learn to have a safer space in our Wards, Branches and greater communities to share real things. Share real things because the world is getting darker everyday but there is still so much light and good in it.

Monday, July 7, 2014

new language: compassion?

When you sit and listen, so much can be heard. Sometimes on fast Sundays I am grateful for the silence between people's testimony. Its in those silences that I learn the most. The learning is from the Spirit and it is also from the combination of what others say around me.

Today was no exception.

Its everywhere in the world and I am amazed how pervasive the lack of compassion in our speech is every day. Some people use the excuse, "I'm just sayin'..." or that they are passionate or are only speaking truth and have not time for "PC" crap. In my opinion, most of the time it isn't PC to try and speak with compassion and be thoughtful of another persons' circumstances. Thoughtfulness is the beginning of great sanctity.

I was unfortunately surprised with how many hurtful things I heard being said back and forth today. There was negativity alive in the tone of many people, as well as compassion trying to be returned in the actions of others later.

I don't know the context everyone came into today with. I know I struggled in the first two hours of my morning. I know there is a struggle in me to love when I see other hurt, to strive in a new language of compassion, unconditional love and other esteem.

How would we all benefit if when something we perceived as hurtful was said to us, we chose to take a deep breath and respond differently? Things would change. Lives would be buoyed. Souls would be valued. People would be less likely to feel the sting of hurtful words or a comment shrouded in a hurtful tone. Silences would be safe again.

I am grateful for the gift of silence. Of listening. Of choice. Of seeking to adopt a new language.
Become a responsive person. Be influenced by the reality of other people. The rest will be wonderful. You do not do it conditionally -- not to try to change others -- you do it because you love, unconditionally. (C. Terry Warner)

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

the way through the block


to a power greater than myself.

let go and let God.

get out of ego and thinking.

do it through prayer and meditation.

put down addictions.