Tuesday, March 22, 2016

spoons ...it makes sense now

A few years ago, my wonderful roommate and friend described to me some of what life was like utilizing the spoon theory. I've thought of it a few times since then but haven't lingered there until about 9 months ago when I became sick while finishing my full-time mission for my church. Gratefully I was able to finish my service but life changed much.

Over the course of a month I found myself in increasing pain and diminishing energy. But with remembrance of the spoon theory and experiencing the realities of my present, tasks, efforts, everything had to be budgeted differently than before. But, to others I didn't look sick. I knew and my companion knew that I would run out if we weren't careful.

I'm so grateful though to remember and see these things and get it. To understand my dear friend more than ever before. We may not be in the same circumstances but if for a second we can empathize with another soul in this mortal journey, that is blessed.

The past three weeks have been pretty rough this time around. However, there is always light somewhere. Something to be grateful for. At this moment I'm grateful for laughter.  Loved ones. Doctors and this surgery coming up. Most important my Savior who provides a perfect brightness of hope to my soul.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

enthusiastically a failure

I read the other day that "success consists of going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill gave us that grand bit of wisdom.

And as I thought about this I realized how true of a failure I am! I fail all the time. I fail at being brave to say things when I want. I fail at sharing feelings. I fail at giving light. I fail at getting out of my traps and snares unscathed each time they surface.

But isn't that was life is about? Because each time I fail, I succeed. Because I get.back.up. I fight again. I say brave things when God wants me to say them. I tend to share feelings when it is actually needed. Light is given when it is needed. And getting out of traps and snares with the bruises, scrapes and wounds are so I can keep learning and hopefully fail a little less or in a different way next time.

It is always about the fight. Thanks be to God that there is still fight in me. With the physical ailments, the attunement to 3 years of recovery from pornography addiction (to not lose it). And now working daily with this food addiction.

I've learned through TSFL and the gospel that it is truly ALL choices. There are times when choices are bound with stress and other emotional/lack of coping responses. But it is my agency. I haven't used my agency well the past three days. I feel it this morning. I feel the failure. But I am enthusiastic! I know I can get up and walk a day at a time to the next moment successfully.

What I am doing today to get back up, I am going to a meeting tonight. First meeting since being home from the mission. But it will be good. :) I have HOPE and I am optimistic about this. Because I have come farther than I failed and I know I can do more. :)

What choices will you make today to get up from your failures?

lovefromKT

Monday, March 14, 2016

to the peacemakers in every family and their loved ones

Hello! I wanted to take this time to share some thoughts about those in all of our families who we call the peacemaker, the mediator, the calm one, the compromiser, the listener. You name it and this person is in every family.
These people have softer hearts. They love in a full, deep, whole souled way. They may absorb a lot more. They feel things on a much deeper level. They are told by many to grow thicker skin, toughen up, stop being so naïve. They frequently are the ones to try and listen and bring compromise to many situations in their families. After years of practice they are then turned to by friends and acquaintances. They still have their family that they try and listen to and support. Pretty soon they become an outlet for all who are around. And their softness begins to grow weary. They want sleep, or healing of their own, or peace of mind and soul. Sometimes they may see that their life is not their own; they are meant to serve others. But then the real wear and tear comes how do they find their way out of this endless place of give and no receiving? When will their needs be met? Eventually there comes a sweet healing in Christ or a higher power as some choose to call it. But it takes time. Sometimes they have given so much the healing takes weeks, months...years. It comes. But what could help this?
I've wondered a time or two about what would help these loved ones before they get to this burn out, this almost past feeling state. And I've come to the conclusion that if we were all a little bit kinder. If we listened to each other more. If we sought to meet needs rather than have our needs met. If we chose to set boundaries and not turn another person into our personal dumping space. Workout what is okay and not okay to share. Talk about what will help you thrive in a friendship a relationship and keep those boundaries. They will help you love each other more freely than anything ever has. Respect each other's realities. Care enough to ask.
There is always so much more but really, truly consider these people in your families. Love them! Because I can assure you they love you more than you will ever know.

Check out this video on Boundaries by Brene Brown.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Out of the basement

i was participating in a recovery conference three years ago and was really impressed with one certain presenters opinion of coming out of the basement into the light. So many in any stage of their recovery understand and even desire the built in anonymity of 12-step meetings. I know there have been times when I think, thank goodness no one here has to know who I really am...all they get is my first name. But in recent months I have pondered more about the anonymity-is it helping? Or do we go in and come out and no one in most of our personal and professional life knows anything more about it? How vocal are we? Should we share more openly our realities or stay concealed?

This morning I came across a video by Terry Crews while exploring the Utah Coalition Against Pornography's Facebook page and he amazed me. I don't know how long he has been speaking his truth and owning life decisions and trying to help others, but it was amazing. He was brave. He spoke up and speaks out against pornography, talks about empowering people to freedom from their old life and consequently letting that life die. The core of what he said was so good and true.

What would the world benefits if more of us spoke up? Made ourselves known?

Friday, March 11, 2016

Wounds and light

"The wound is the place where light enters the body." Rumi

I heard that last night while watching a video broadcast of Gabby Bernstein. And she was talking about being authentic. Showing the real self on social media. Or at least being authentic with each other to discuss our stuff. I LOVED it.

I've pondered on her words and the quote a lot and I completely agree. Through reflection, I can see how each wound I have humbled me enough to let light in. I choose to call the light Jesus Christ. You may call it something else. But as He has come in, healing has come. And it has been beautiful. I am so grateful for each and every wound because they led me straight to Him.

Some of those wounds were inflicted through the agency of others but the vast majority were self inflicted. And what is amazing, He still comes in. Even if we are the ones causing the damage. But we have to let go of pride long enough to let the light in.

I wouldn't ever wish wounds on anyone, especially addiction. But I do wish everyone could know the hard and love filled journey back to light and peace each addict has. And to me, it's all thanks to the bringer of light, Jesus Christ.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Humility and Vulnerability

Hello! I have now been home three and a half weeks from my full-time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can't really describe the experiences there but please know it was the best thing of my life. It was the hardest thing of my life. I learned things that will impact my life forever and met people who have deeply changed me. And now, in more ways than before, I feel more like myself than ever before.

Since being home I have thought a lot about recovery. Physical. Mental. Spiritual. Then I get this e-mail from one of the recovery yogis that I used to listen to. And it is about beating addiction, through humility and vulnerability. He talked about how humility helps us to ask for help. And best of all, to know we are not the most important thing so we reach out to help others. And vulnerability helps us to take the scary look at ourselves and see what may be wrong. What needs healing. The steps we need to take to heal. Its a process. But these two are key; there's a reason humility is one of the 12 steps.

I've thought a lot about my own road to recovery and the amazing people who have come before me and with me. 3 year 3 months. That's a long time. Longer than before. And it will last this time. As I stay humble. Choose to include the Lord and be ever mindful of what is going on within me. With that said, some of my secondary addictions are trying to resurface since being home.

But I am choosing to act in my life again. I've always been super open and upfront about my journeys. So I am going to share. Whatever will help. Video logs. Daily treasures and triumphs. I want to utilize the tools the Lord has provided to aid in maintaining recovery. To me these are scriptures, recovery groups, meditation and yoga, therapy, church and temple worship. I want to invite you on this journey with me as I continue to optimal health. :)

lovefromKT

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