there are a million things that go through our heads daily...at least my head. since i have been home it has dealt with mission things. discipleship. parents. family. communication. authenticity. vulnerability. friends. love. hearing. listening. client. imperfect. connecting. meaningful life. sickness. addiction. mind. health. job. will this work. can i do it. coach. support. validation. meeting needs. compassion. needing others. being needed. moving. timing. stuck. God's will. better plans. and oh so much more.
as just a general health and addiction update: things are good. there was honestly a week where the food issues went a little berzerk a few days and the thoughts came. weak. not good enough. failure. fat. unworthy. unloved. and my mind picked at every part of my body the next few days. we all do it. my hair is too flat. my thighs are too large. my arms are too big. my chest is too small. my stomach is too flabby. i'm not beautiful enough. and on...
then i decided to reclaim myself...again. accepting each pound. wrinkle. ache. knowing they were placed there by years of decisions. and then i looked at myself again. and i saw arms that get to hug people i love. wrinkles and lines that came for laughter and smiling. legs that can run and walk and play. a mouth that can speak words of love. and a whole body that has won and overcome so much and is meant for a continually wonderful life.
its so hard to push through the negative thoughts when they come. to look back at yourself in the mirror and saw that was a choice. i am the sum of my choices. but my next one can positively impact the rest of my days. mine was going to serve another person. getting out. seeing how much i could actually do with this magnificent body in positive, productive ways.
as for the pornography addiction: 3 years 5 months clear. triggers are less and less every week. true love, the most powerful pure love overcomes all. the love from God helped me.
the negative thoughts have been at bay the past few days because i began to accept again that my Savior loves me. that God loves me. and their love is all that matters because i am the daughter of a King. it helps when the rest gets too much. and what helps more is to let others know how much they are loved.