Wednesday, July 13, 2016

"promise me you're ours forever"

I've been home from my mission for 5 months this coming Sunday. And it has been hard. I have had extremely joyful times. I've felt love so deeply. I still have felt my Father in Heaven and my Savior. But they have felt different to me. I have felt cut off, left to learn on my own without companions or friends that come in the same way. When I am with others that logically I know love me or care for me, the adversary is right there telling me all the reasons they don't. That I am a charity case. That...insert emotions here and circumstance and I know you have felt this too. (yes i know none of this is entirely true. but in acknowledging feelings; it has felt real to me. it is getting better and less present.)

When I started this blog I wanted to be regular in writing. When I got home I wanted to pick everything up where I left off. But throughout the last five months as I have struggled, gone through surgery, moving my parents and then myself, a job search and looking for a home (and another move) and feeling generally lost. all the time. I have realized that I am different. I am not the Katie I was 23 months ago. And it impacts the deepest parts of my soul to see and begin to accept that. And start to figure out what I am doing with that. But that's okay.

On some level I don't have the tolerances that I used to. I haven't found the energy in my heart to jump fully into the academic world I once was so deeply involved in. I can't seem to talk as much to anyone. I go days, weeks and months without talking to people I have been through so much with because...I don't know why other than I don't feel the same. and I'm trying to reconcile myself and bring 23 months ago Katie to this moment. To the vision of myself that the Lord gave me while I was choosing to serve Him.

Its an interesting thing, coming home. You make plans and the family is in on it, ready to support. And then the plans that are actually there; the ones that are meant for your ultimate growth and learning are nothing like the plans you have.

Miracles come into your life. In the midst of going through the moments, people show up. Understanding the utter confusion and treading water feeling. And they understand that most days you are just getting by. Doing the motions while the faith grows.

I feel a big purpose of this is to thank those who let me stare. Who let me come and sit with them in silence while they live their life and I try and see what is next. To thank those who haven't heard from me in forever but trust that I still love them. To say sorry and I'm working on coming to myself, this version of me. To say that what makes it easier is the faith the God has a plan and trusting His plan is way easier than forcing mine. To thank God for the job that I now have and the home I get to be a part of. To thank God for still being there.